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20.11.16

What happened to me?

I remember a time when I was heavily pregnant with Daniel who is now 10 year old! During that season our church was about an hour's drive away and we were very involved. Eric didn't have his driver's licence at the time and he played in the church band, so every Thursday I would drive him to church, sit through band practice and then drive him home. To make this journey work I would prepare Eric's dinner and give it to him to eat in the car as I picked him up from work on the way to church. On Sundays we would get to church very early to help set up and then rest in the car in-between the morning and evening services so that we could attend both. It was too far to drive home and come back again so we decided to stay in town and wait. Thursday's was our home group night which we attended each week and occasionally we would have to head over to church for a team meeting. This was our life. I may have mentioned this season previously but wanted to refresh your memory to show the contrast from when I was that in-love with church that I would give 110% to whatever we needed to do, to how I feel now.

Now I feel like I am holding back. I fear being asked to help with anything. Sunday's approach each week with dread because I still feel numb inside. A part of me want to run again. I want to get stuck into church life and help build it in whatever department I am needed. Another part of me wants to run in the opposite direction forever to get as far away from church as possible. What happened to me? How did I go from being so passionate and sold out for the cause to where I am now? Will I ever have that kind of passion again? Will I always feel so horrible inside and so lost?

Since Eric has made a career out of church and we no longer serve together I feel weird. We have divorced our church life. We no longer dream together about what could be or pray together over what we are building. Our conversations are no longer passionate for the cause but all about him and his career. Church has stopped being something that I love and more something that I have to endure so my husband can do what he wants to do. Will this division ever end? Will we ever build together again? Will our dreams ever be one as the once were? Or is this it, do I walk on my own path and simply survive the journey?

All I have right now is questions, confusion, hurt and aloneness.  Not loneliness, I have friends. Aloneness because I don't think anyone can understand me right now. I am sure they would try and would offer the best advice that they could muster but if I don't understand this season I am in how can anyone else.
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13.11.16

Back on the Path

We went to church on Sunday. Eric, Daniel, Amy and I. Together as a family for the first time in ages. At first I felt nervous going back. I knew it was right and it was time. The season had changed and there was no reason for me to stay away any longer. My heart felt full, I was no longer tired and all my other reasons and excuses had faded away. To be honest, I actually missed church. My reasons for being nervous are too many to list starting with fear from all that had happened in the past all the way to fear of being hurt all over again and everything in between. Despite all that was going on inside of me emotionally something stronger was drawing me to church.

Choosing a church wasn't an option, it had to be a Baptist church so that Eric could do his placement for his studies and it would continue being a Baptist church for the two remaining years of his studies. I was ok with that. I accepted that church would not be as exciting as it had once been both because I was fond of the Hillsong style of church and also because I had been hurt so many times that I would keep my heart protected and remain cautious for some time by choice. I felt a sense of responsibility to the Baptist church and knew that God had something in mind for us as a family.

Eric is back on the path he is meant to be on and so I go to church of my own free will to support him on his journey and to get connected again as I should be. My heart pines for church to be fun, full of life and... well as it says in 1 Chronicles 22:5 ," ... the house to be built for the LORD should be of great magnificence and fame and splendour in the sight of all the nations." In my mind church should be magnificent, full of joy, worships should be loud and make you want to dance, prayer should be powerful and yielding results such as healing, miracles and deliverance. Even the building should shine either because it has cool lights or more importantly because Jesus is there.

I digress. The point is that Eric is back on the path that I believe he is meant to be on and we are back at church as a family. Our new pastor is a woman and she is really amazing, taking the church over the Jordan and into new and exciting things. We are honoured to be a part of what God is doing at our new church and will serve the pastor and the people to the best of our ability.
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6.11.16

Amazing Breakthrough

Enough was enough I thought! Something had to give. The pressure was too much and I wanted my job and peace back. My prayer was specific and I wanted a clear and final answer before I put the whole thing behind me. Although I tried to go to church with Eric once I was still spending Sundays at home. Everything inside of me did not want to go to church. I knew that if I did go to church it should be to Eric's church. So the children and I stopped visiting other churches and committed to go to Eric's church and support him in his role. It was too difficult though and no matter how hard I tried I could not force myself to go to church. Sundays became a day where I prayed while pottering around in my garden and we became a TV church member of Life Church - they have a fantastic kids program each Sunday.

Back to my prayer which went like this:

"Dear Father God. I love to hear your voice! There is nothing more that I desire. Father, please tell me if you want me to do anything about Eric's university? Do I interfere? Do I get involved? Do you want him to finish his studies? What do you want me to do?"

After praying I had an extremely strong conviction to do whatever I had to so that Eric could go back to university and finish his studies. I found several email addresses on Eric's computer for his university contacts and also found some of this friends contacts. All in all I contacted everyone that I felt I should contact and simply said,

" It has been on my heart lately to do whatever it takes to get Eric back to his studies. I don't know where to start so am just praying and reaching out and trusting God to lead the way. Do you have any advice?"

I received several responses where people confirmed that they also felt that Eric should continue his studies as he was clearly called to ministry. Everyone was so lovely but there was still that matter of Eric's outstanding fees from the first year of studies. Eric was adamant that he would not return to university without his debt being settled first.

What happened next blew my mind! The very next day this email came into Eric' inbox:

"Dear Eric, I hope that you are well. I'm writing to let you know that we have now received pledges of funds to cover all your fees for this year apart from £1500. The College is able to give you a bursary for this outstanding amount. I do hope it might be possible for you to continue your studies next year. Please do get in touch if you would like to  talk about this."

Oh my goodness! I got Goosebumps when I read this. It couldn't have been any cleared and served as direct confirmation to my prayer the day before, that Eric should be back at university to complete his studies and continue on the path he had originally set out on. I was immediately reminded of Isaiah 65:24,

" Before they call I will answer; while they are still speaking I will hear."  NIV

Another version says it like this:

" I will answer them before they even call to me. While they are still talking about their needs, I will go ahead and answer their prayers!" NLT

It seemed possible that all this time I was not actually completely wrong but that I was in fact fighting a battle for my husband's future so that he would remain on the path that God had for him and not be tempted by another path which seemed to be good and Godly but was in fact simply not the right path.
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